self love

How my mixed feelings on self care shaped how I feel about it today.

Self Care: Stephanie’s *current* Take

I’ve gone through tremendously wild pendulum swings of self care.  What it looks like to me, how I implement it in my life, dissecting what it actually means and feels like to practice it.  How it feels inside of me.

Back story, if you don’t know already, I used to be a hairstylist.  Hairstylist with the fancy salon job and the leave in deep conditioner and the pH balancing spray and the brazlian sugaring(ouch)  and the makeup, platform wedges, push up bras, shellac nails, and body scrubs.  Some of what I was doing was self care.  Some of it (most) was detrimental to my self.  

Then I went to massage school, quit the “beauty” industry and unleashed my inner “hippie”.  I didn’t wash my hair for months at a time, no bra, no socks, no makeup, no deodorant (I know), barefoot, music festivals, just like be Love man, everything happens for a reason.  I didn’t shave anything for years.  I didn’t wear anything name brand, I went vegetarian, cut off all my hair and swore off “beauty” products.    Some of what I was doing was self care.  Some of it was just plain unhygienic. 

So you can see my wild tendencies to swing the complete opposite way right?  So flash forward in my timeline, my boss reminded me that bras are a part of dress code (I now own 3(they’re comfy)),  I found a natural deodorant that works, wear makeup occasionally, still wash my hair once a month (it’s short, I can get away with it) and eat what I like (including meat).

Because some of what I was doing was because I wanted to, most of what I was doing at each level was because initially I wanted to.  And then some of it became a feeling of I had to do it this way because “Will I still be respected if I don’t rock 6 inch platform wedges for the full 12 hour shift?”  (news flash they didn’t respect me either way)  or “What will the vegans think if I buy a name brand shirt and eat a burger?”

And so as I’ve been honing in the pendulum on self care I’ve come to some very potent realizations that are worth sharing to you.  Self care changes as you change.  So let it.  The first time I ate meat after being a vegetarian for 2 years is still one of my favorite memories.  I had been trying for so long to force my body into eating vegan for many reasons.  And it simply wasn’t working anymore for my body or my current lifestyle (alot can change it 2 years).  So I listened to what it needed, and it needed a motherfuckin’ burger.  I went to a local restaurant where they serve meat from a local butcher, ordered a burger, ate that thing with a glass of wine and parmesan fries while watching a soccer game, and let me tell you, it was absolutely fabulous.  I felt so much relief and it reminded me that I’m the creator of my life.  So healing.

Another realization is:  If you want to heal the planet, you must take care of your self in the best way you can so that you heal yourself.  Because, you in fact, are a part of the planet.  I never wanted to buy new clothes because: sweat shops! Reuse! What a waste! Corporations feeding on idealized beauty standards so let’s rebel against them!  You get the point.  And I also knew that in my profession (instructor) one of the number one feedback pieces from students I’d get on what needs to be improved is how I dress.  They weren’t taking me seriously in my linen pants and colorful flowy shirts.  So I went to Kohl’s and bought full priced black and white clothes for the first time (ever).  Every time I put them on, knowing no body else lived in them, empowers me as the professional woman I am.  And how I’m worth looking like I know what I’m doing (because I do ).  It changed how I walk out into the world.  It changed my affect on people in a positive way, therefore the planet.  Another feeling of relief.  So healing.

I don’t eat meat with every meal, and am waste conscious.  I still honor my body by eating what it likes.  I still shop at consignment stores when I want.  I no longer feel guilty about buying something brand new at full price.  Both. And.

And now I’m leaning into another layer of self care.  

We all know alot of self-help agenda people (including me (Holla))  like to remind you of the rudimentary-ness of self care like boundaries, saying no, taking things out of your life that no longer serve you, saying FUCK YES when you get that full body yes.  And I’m also here to remind you of the lightness of self care.  The celebration of you.  (Really all of it is celebration of you…and then there’s like fluffy celebration)

After drowning in beauty products, then miles away, I’m leaning into the beauty isles at target once more.  Because I define my own standard of beauty.  And hey, so do you.  Beauty is defined from within, without outside influence.  Fancy right?  I created that affirmation 6 months into massage school.  I’m leaning into self care as pleasure, like buying myself a cute ass face mask (like cleansing mask not covid required mask) (a mask without sulfates ‘cause even though I’m no longer a hairstylist, ya girl still knows what’s good and what’s not), home making a hair scrub, laying down with my feet propped up the wall, listening to music and just.. Relishing in the fact that I’m a fuckin’ Queen.

So what I want to get at here is that as you go through your life, your needs and wants are gonna change. And it’s up to you to not get caught up within a certain identity and to instead change with your current reality. To keep an eye on being a rebel as an identity because being a rebel can be its own cage. And to C E L E B R A T E you first, because you’re the main event. You know you’ll always be Earth conscious and people conscious and white supremacy conscious and we must dismantle the current government system conscious. So take a break from it all once and a while and put some avocado on your face and lay down.

Do what brings you JOY even if at one time in your life it brought you disdain. You’re allowed to change. Throw away that piece of plastic instead of recycling it if it’s easier right now. That ease will lift the vibrational field around you raising the collective to a higher state of being, thus reducing our footprint. Do what lights you up because that’s what’s gonna heal the planet. More LIGHT. Don’t let yourself get caught up in whatever cause you’re invested in letting it be another thing you feel guilty about. Have fun. Have A LOT of it. Do what works for you until it doesn’t work. Check-in frequently, really listen. Show up as your whole self. It’ll all balance out as you go, I promise. Your must is to do what really truly feels good (even if it’s hard) (especially if it goes against a current belief), do what lights you up, and brings you joy. Honoring you and your shifts honors the planet and her shifts. Healing you, heals every one, heals our Mother. You don’t have to be the change that you wish to see in the world all the time.. Be you as you are in each moment. You’re always Loved and that’s always enough.

There’s no one to blame when you feel lonely, including yourself.

I was 22 when I first moved into an apartment all by myself.  My very own place.  Alone.  It was one of the best things that ever happened to me, and it was painful as fuck.  At the time I was practicing massage therapy and teaching in separate towns, 45 mins apart from each other.  So I chose to live in a city in between them.  A city I had only driven through.  I moved into a 415 square foot studio apartment.  If you’re not sure how big that is, it’s about enough room for a small kitchen, small bathroom, my bed, some closet space, and about 6 square feet of dancing room.  Small.  But it was all mine.

I realized I had always enjoyed the fact that other people inhabited the space I lived in, even if I usually went right into my room to avoid those other people. Someone’s shoes, a loose magazine subscription, crumbs on the table that I didn’t leave.  Signs of life outside of me.  It helped keep the loneliness at bay.  I had my cat in all my previous places I’d lived too, but she didn’t make the trip with me in the studio.  It was too small for her.  I went from having “annoying” roommates to complete silence every time I opened the door.  In the beginning there I would get home, 30 mins away from everyone I was close to, open the door, see everything just the way I left it, no sign of anyone but me, and fall to the floor and weep.  What I learned over time was that this pain of loneliness, of isolation, abandonment, was inside me the whole time.  It was always knocking at my door. I would ignore the sometimes pounding very well, by turning to ideations, and other people’s shit. 

By moving into my own apartment I invited my loneliness to live with me.  My isolation, my abandonment, depression, anxiety, fears.  We were like the fucking brady bunch up in there.    Right now, as I’m typing this, I’m laughing and smiling.  Why?  Because I got through it.  (p.s. still getting through it). I turned my pain into power.  Because not only did I invite my darkness to rise to the surface, I allowed the space for it to be processed.  And that invited in more creativity, joy, and connectedness to self.  Loneliness is a part of our shared human experience. (2)  So is Joy. And belonging to ourselves and each other. My hope is that you lean into that knowing through my work.

Earlier that year I found pour painting.  My good friend Skie asked me if I wanted to make a painting with her.  She said, “I want someone to pour with and I thought, hell yeah Stephanie would be down.”  And Hell yeah I was.  Once I created that first piece, I opened up a reservoir that I never knew very well in terms of “art”.  My creative spirit.  I spent the next few months dabbling in different pouring methods, never really having a lot of time for it then because I was prioritizing other people.  Fast forward to living 30 minutes away from anyone I knew and being on a tight budget, I suddenly had every night wide open.  I remembered being so consumed by loneliness, isolation and anxiety that I would be paralyzed.  At this point in my life though, I had tools.  I’d been creating a web of self care and self love for that very moment in time; I knew how to support myself.  The initial act of courage was always pulling myself out of bed and into something that could help me.

Suddenly I was buying floetrol in bulk and 10 packs of canvases on sale.  I used old bed sheets on the floor and an extra massage table as my creating space.  The only route in Battle Creek(the city I was living in) I knew like the back of my hand was the same road that led to Michaels, Menards, and Meijer.  I felt like a “real” artist for the first time because I bought quality acrylics and could lose track of time for hours creating.  Remember, I had like a 6 square foot space for this, and pour paintings take time to dry, so I always had paintings on the floor or cups scattered on my kitchen counter.  

Now when I would come home, 30 mins away from anyone I knew, I would see myself and signs of Life outside of me in forms of paint on canvases laying all over, on the walls, and on my one small round side table.  I would see how diverse and expansive I was ( still am ).  I would be reminded of interconnectedness.  I’d still be consumed by loneliness, fear, isolation.  And I’d feel it, and see that I was surrounded by Love.  By Creation.  Creation heals.  Unlocking this vault led to me singing more, writing more, dancing more, connecting with myself more, connecting with my people more.  Feeling more confident in myself, releasing old habits, letting myself be.  Yes, creativity is that powerful.  That little space held me for a year.  A cocoon.  Where I left it even more raw than when I had entered, and more whole.

And as I unlocked my creative self through painting, I realized I was already a creative being.  And that’s there’s so many ways to be creative.  Being a massage therapist is such a creative practice.  A practice that weaves into my painting practice.  My painting practice weaving into my writing practice.  My writing practice weaving into my dancing practice.  My dancing practice weaving into my yoga practice.  There’s so much space to try new things in a creative way.  Being an artist is to be human.  To laugh and to be and to have fun.  To be curious and adventurous and full of wonder.  And you know, sometimes, that creativity leads you to something that fuels your life and sustains you for a long time.  When I started pour painting, I defined myself as an Artist.  And an Artist I was, all along.

Each piece I’ve created is a piece of my heart.  My soul.  It’s a reminder of our humanness. And our divinity.  And how we all are struggling on some level, and it’s all valid.  Your struggle is valid.  No matter what it looks like on the outside.  Your Joy is valid. Your life deserves to be surrounded by things that remind you of your humanness and divine power.  I create art to inspire you to be your best self.  To remind you of why we’re in it, and to keep going.  To please, keep going.  To transmute your pain into power.  To access your joy and open your heart to the oneness we all share.  This Art is meant to hang on your wall, lean on your table, rest on your desk, be anywhere you want, to help you unlock your own potential.  Creating helped me heal so much, I want to touch your life, and show you that creating helps you heal as well.  Creativity can help you feel connected to Earth and to others.(1)  And that’s what we need more of.  So make time for your process and create.  Create with yourself, Create with others.  The most important thing is that you do it.

This week: Make time for yourself to create.  You must carve out time for yourself otherwise, you’ll keep putting it off.  Schedule 5, 10 mins.  Schedule an hour or two.  Whatever fits.  Practice with your kids, practice with your mom or grandma.  Do something creative, whether it’s painting, drawing, doodling, dancing, singing, writing, playing an instrument, or whatever else you find expansive and creative.  Do it.  And tell me what you did.  How you felt beforehand, and how you felt after.  I’d love to hear from you.  Our stories and way of unlocking our inner creator may be different, and the result is the same.  Connection to self.  Connection to our collective oneness.  And if having unique paintings on your walls deepen your connection to yourself and our collective oneness, shop my Love Wins. Collection.  Get yourself some inspired pieces in your life.

  1. Creative Healing: How to Heal Yourself by Tapping Your Hidden Creativity

By Michael Samuels, Mary Rockwood Lane

2. “Acceptance and belonging” by Stephany St. Clair Pond

Connect to Love.

The mind is the gateway from spirit to body. Source comes from above, Earth from below, beings, being in between. How one thinks and responds, especially to self, creates the pathway from source to earth. Clear the pathway. Okay, very vague… what does that even mean? It means releasing the heaviness around your heart and in your mind to become a lighter, soulful, trusting Human living a life that lets you feel ALIVE and full of Love.. A grounded human connected to the Divine Light Source from above living heart centered. What are some good ways to clear the path? Drink water for starts and remember, singing, singing, singing supports retention. Structure creates freedom. Healthy behaviors support healthy thinking & visa versa. Remembering courage and forgiveness is essential for this process of divine creation. A moment with self to give yourself grace and a good look at some trees. It’s already in you, it’s a matter of believing it with your own thought patterns. Have a laugh, don’t take it so seriously, life, that is. Go to the beach, breathe in the sunshine for a moment. Breathe in the sunshine for a moment before you enter work, let it carry in with you. Treat your inner child, hold their hand. Start believing you’re worth it, one gracious moment at a time. You are worthy.

The Lymphatic System.

This may seem quite obvious, if you put your hand on your heart, you feel it beating. Internally that beating rhythm is in charge of circulating blood through the body. All of the tiny arteries and veins have pumps directing their line of flow. So when you’re sedentary, your blood is still flowing. Maybe not as fast as when you’re sprinting a 100 m dash, yet it’s still pumpin’ for ya. The lymph system is a little bit different. The lymph system isn’t talked about much and it is a very important system in your body, it is your immune system. There is a vast network of lymph vessels running throughout the body, alongside blood vessels, that move lymph fluid through to various regions of your body. The difference in the lymph system is that it doesn’t have an automatic pumping factor! The body doesn’t have another heart that pumps the lymph fluid through your body even when you’re not moving. So yes, you guessed it, if you’re body is not moving then lymph fluid is not moving. What is pertinent about this? Staying healthy is all about healthy, balanced movement of the body. Okay so what does it mean to have healthy, balanced movement? I first want to express what it doesn’t mean it doesn’t mean running your body constantly until it has nothing left to do but to notify you that you’re sick so you have to lay down and get some rest. I believe some people get sick because they don’t know how to say no, so their body begins to say no for them. That is not healthy movement. Healthy balanced movement is getting up and moving your body wisely, it is dancing and jumping on a trampoline. It is running or walking or jogging or biking. Moving in a way that gets things flowing without compromising yourself. Yes it is very important to rest, movement can also be drinking water and dry brushing your skin, receiving bodywork, laying with your feet up on a wall. Balancing between movement and rest is a fun and interesting experience. If you’re moving, your lymph fluid is moving, circulating, and refreshing itself. This system is one of my favorites, because I find when taken care of properly, sickness is typically a rare experience. All in All, listen to your body. It knows what it needs, always.