So Taylor Swift dropped her new (old) album a few days ago.  She re-recorded her 2008 album Fearless and released it under her own name.  A badass rebellion against the recording company that she once let control her music.

Taylor Swift’s music (especially her older stuff) is soul music to me.  She was with me growing up, and I found solace in her music.  There were a few songs in this album that I Loved.  okay.. obsessed with. ‘Love Story’, I knew by heart and would sing it loudly and passionately in the shower, without it playing mind you.  ‘Fifteen’ was an escape into a fantasy life where football players wanted to date me and I experienced tragic heartbreak from boyfriends.  ‘White Horse’ I would practice singing quietly in my bedroom.  I would imagine myself leaving my small town behind and who I would become when I was older.  I would sing my heart out and really feel like I would be okay.

Fast forward to me now, I was sitting in my car yesterday still chanting every word to white horse and something magical happened.  I had a direct line to my younger self, sitting in my bed, I remembered, felt the exact moment in time.  The specific time.  I was recording myself, I was leaning against the wall with my window.  I could sense it viscerally.  And I sang.

I sang with my younger self, sat with her.  I poured so much Love on her because I know now for sure that I’d be okay, that I was okay.  That I was Loved.

I experienced a double moment where I was in my car singing with my younger self and in my old bedroom singing with my older self.  I was there and here.  I was healing myself now and then.  

12 years ago.  I was being held by myself.  I was inspired and looked up to me.  I knew that it was possible to move on and was filled with the hope that one day I really would.

12 years later.  It was me holding me up.  It was me soothing my younger self, assuring her I would see that small town in the rear view mirror -disappearin’ now- and I would realize some bigger dreams of mine.  That it is too late for you and your white horse to come around.. because I don’t need saving, never did.

Yesterday was the moment I experienced 12 years ago as a younger version of me in a different setting.

It reminded me that it’s really quite incredible to be your own best friend, biggest supporter, and healing force.  It’s the way it was meant to be.  To realize that it was you healing you all along.  And music’s a bridge to that portal.  Where you really feel time melting away.  Relistening to this album freshly recorded is cathartic as fuck for me. Along with the awesome upgrade of bass and instrumental crispness, its new revelations of self.  Like yes, here I am older and (somewhat) wiser and I made it through and I’m making it through.  Listening to the first recording of the album even this past year had a sense of nostalgia and a little bit of putting myself back in the position that I was in when I first listened to the songs.  A little bit of pity.  Now, it’s like damn.. I really am making my dreams come true, and I really Love all the phases that I’ve been through and I get to pour Love on all my phases because it brought me here. Which is pretty toasty (good).

Yes, all from a Taylor Swift album. TSwift fan fo lyfe.  I Can’t wait ‘till she re-records her 2006 album *wipes tear from guitar*.