The feeling of being helpless

When you so badly want to be there for someone, yet being there for them is by staying away. This feels like one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Is it selfish to want to be there? To want to know what’s going on? Maybe a little bit. But we’re all human. It’s natural, I think. Letting go of control. Leaning in the the unkown. ha. not leaning in. More like thrashing and falling and being so tired that there’s nothing else to do other than cry and accept. I’m thinking about that Rilke poem “..feel it all, beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.” This feels like time is dragging out, and if I’m feeling like this, I start to imagine how they must be feeling, probably even worse. Which freaks me out even more. When the universe so wittingly shoves an expirience in your face where you’re forced to take your own advice. Drink your own medicine. Trust, that it all has it’s way. Fuck.

Really, anyone can spew these words out of their mouths, myself included, “trust the process, it all has it’s own timing.” And then it’s a whole nother thing to be deep in it. To have something come up where the last
thing I want to hear is, “Just trust.” But I have to. This one’s for you, you supportive human, wanting to rush in to be the saving grace for another person. I feel you. I get it, like get it.

Here’s the thing though, you can’t possibly know what they need to do in this lifetime to learn/process/heal. You can’t be the saving grace, number one because no one needs to be saved. And number two, because they need to be the ones to do what they need to do. That’s part of the deal. Only you can really change and control you. As much as you’d like to bend the laws of compliance. It doesn’t happen. And the more you try, the more tension is created. I know, you might be thinking, yes I know this already. It’s easy to know it when things are decent, and flowing. Like, “It’s so spiritual to agree to not let anything harm my inner peace, of course
that’s the way to go. I don’t let anything harm my inner peace beause then I’m off balance and letting people influence me. I stay centered and rise above.” Yeah, and you’re fucking human. Shit’s gonna hit the fan sometimes based on the actions of others. Especially loved ones. You can be above it all, most of the time, and then, sometimes you can get off kilter. And then let yourself feel it, because when you accept that you’re letting it get to you, then you can gently remind yourself that they gotta do what they gotta do. That it’s not even about you. And you’re still loved. You’re still needed. It’s times when life throws you a curveball that you need to remember this. Feel it in your body. And know that you’re not alone. just keep going. No feeling is final. Even this. This right here, in the deep of it. This is the real work. Good job, you.

With Love,

Stephanie Lee