My Story

Today I am going to trust what is coming up and take a slight redirection to an emotion that potentially may not be discussed a whole lot in your life; shame. I’m currently reading dare to lead by Brene’ Brown and
if you have yet to hear of Brene’ Brown, she is a researcher of courage, shame, and vulnerability. She is an incredible inspiration and writer, her work is bringing up some key functions i carry out because of shame and
lack of self-worth. My intuition is saying, tell them about it. Growing up I was on a doctors operating table a lot, and if you’re familiar with surgeons/doctors, they typically do what they think is best for the
patient. Which most times it works out, and usually all of the time is leaves some kind of toll or trauma on a person’s body. At a very young age my body had been forced to compromise its free-will in order for my
life to be saved. And then I had more fear added from what I believe is unnecessary procedures. Let me be clear here, my intention with this writing is to portray my own reality on the situation and how it is affecting
me today. It’s about how the body truly does keep the score; My body remembers the feeling of being strapped down, undressed, stripped away of privacy, not being listened to and subduing to the power figure in the room
because “They knew best.”
Coming to terms with these experiences takes incredible courage. It takes great courage for me to be vulnerable and voice aloud the needs and sensations in my body especially in specific experiences
involving men(The doctors who worked on me were all men) and even more courage to stand to be listened to and receive respect and agreement in return. The shame I experienced of being a “problem case” still affects me
today in behaviors of wanting to please everybody and not make a scene or disrupt the
flow of any situation. I once remember being afraid to even step into a room for the fear of disrupting what was already going on. I have come a long way from that and I still notice that feeling arise from time to
time. The worst part for me is feeling shame from the fact that I feel shame from receiving treatment from doctors. Thoughts like “it wasn’t that bad, it was for my life.” or “no one will care it’s just a sob story.”
I tell that voice thank you and please shut up. And even now as I’m writing this, I realize, it’s not about the doctors, its about the after effect of the actions my body had to go through that embedded certain beliefs and
expectations into my body and mental thinking. It’s no ones fault, It’s what’s real. I write this because whatever you’re going through or chewing on, you’re not alone. We all experience versions of shame. The
good thing is, no, the great thing is when we’re willing to figure out what keeps triggering us to feel shame or fear, we can do something about it to release it and become lighter, more true to ourselves. We are all
magnificent beings here on this planet to express our unique gifts and talents to the world. We can use these tough experiences to learn, to grow, and to prosper. It’s taken me a while to forgive myself and those doctors
who saved my life and I am incredibly grateful for it because it lead me to my higher purpose of giving the gift of massage and holistic therapy. It taught me that I can withstand a lot and I am a brave human, and that
everyone is always doing the best they can. It takes courage to brave your own body and to listen to what it has to say, and to honor yourself and what you’ve been through. No matter how “big or small” your tough
experiences may be, it’s all worthy of support, love, growth, and overcoming. Thanks for listening.